Enter Antipholus of Ephesus with a Jailer, the Officer. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Fear me not, man. I will not break away.
I’ll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money,
To warrant thee, as I am ’rested for.
My wife is in a wayward mood today
And will not lightly trust the messenger 5
That I should be attached in Ephesus.
I tell you, ’twill sound harshly in her ears. Enter Dromio of Ephesus with a rope’s end. Here comes my man. I think he brings the
money.
How now, sir? Have you that I sent you for? 10 DROMIO OF EPHESUS, handing over the rope’s end
Here’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS But where’s the money? DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope? DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate. 15 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
To what end did I bid thee hie thee home? DROMIO OF EPHESUS To a rope’s end, sir, and to that
end am I returned. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, beating Dromio
And to that end, sir, I will welcome you. OFFICER Good sir, be patient. 20 DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, ’tis for me to be patient. I am
in adversity. OFFICER Good now, hold thy tongue. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, rather persuade him to hold
his hands. 25 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou whoreson, senseless
villain. DROMIO OF EPHESUS I would I were senseless, sir, that
I might not feel your blows. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou art sensible in nothing 30
but blows, and so is an ass. DROMIO OF EPHESUS I am an ass, indeed; you may
prove it by my long ears.—I have served him from
the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have
nothing at his hands for my service but blows. 35
When I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I
am warm, he cools me with beating. I am waked
with it when I sleep, raised with it when I sit,
driven out of doors with it when I go from home,
welcomed home with it when I return. Nay, I bear it 40
on my shoulders as a beggar wont her brat, and I
think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it
from door to door. | E. Antipholus is still spending quality time with the jailer. He fumes about how he’ll give it to everyone once he’s bailed out, and he spots E. Dromio just in time to think he’s saved. When E. Dromio relates that all he’s brought is a piece of rope (which E. Antipholus asked for a while ago), E. Dromio receives a beating. E. Dromio laments that this is his usual undeserved payment, but doesn’t mention that E. Antipholus never asked him for any bail money. |
Enter Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan, and a Schoolmaster
called Pinch. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Come, go along. My wife is coming yonder. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Mistress, respice finem, respect 45
your end, or rather, the prophecy like the parrot,
“Beware the rope’s end.” ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Wilt thou still talk? Beats Dromio. COURTESAN, to Adriana
How say you now? Is not your husband mad? ADRIANA
His incivility confirms no less.— 50
Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;
Establish him in his true sense again,
And I will please you what you will demand. LUCIANA
Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks! COURTESAN
Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy. 55 PINCH, to Antipholus of Ephesus
Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, striking Pinch
There is my hand, and let it feel your ear. PINCH
I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man,
To yield possession to my holy prayers,
And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight. 60
I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Peace, doting wizard, peace. I am not mad. ADRIANA
O, that thou wert not, poor distressèd soul! ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You minion, you, are these your customers?
Did this companion with the saffron face 65
Revel and feast it at my house today
Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut
And I denied to enter in my house? ADRIANA
O husband, God doth know you dined at home,
Where would you had remained until this time, 70
Free from these slanders and this open shame. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
“Dined at home”? To Dromio. Thou villain, what
sayest thou? DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Were not my doors locked up and I shut out? 75 DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Perdie, your doors were locked, and you shut out. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And did not she herself revile me there? DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Sans fable, she herself reviled you there. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Did not her kitchen maid rail, taunt, and scorn me? DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Certes, she did; the kitchen vestal scorned you. 80 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And did not I in rage depart from thence? DROMIO OF EPHESUS
In verity you did.—My bones bears witness,
That since have felt the vigor of his rage. | Adriana, Luciana, the Courtesan, and a schoolmaster named Pinch all enter the scene. When E. Dromio suggests Adriana should beware of the "end of the rope" (a.k.a., a noose), implying that E. Antipholus is a bit dangerous to be around, he gets another beating...which kind of proves his point. All the women descend on E. Antipholus, treating him like he’s a raging lunatic. They plead with Pinch, who is a schoolmaster and a conjurer, to exorcise whatever demon possesses E. Antipholus. This causes E. Antipholus to start beating Pinch as well. Everyone’s stories then begin to work against each other, as E. Antipholus insists that he’s not mad. He asks whether this witch-doctor is the man Adriana dined with, and the reason he was locked out of his own house. Adriana insists that E. Antipholus was at dinner, but E. Antipholus and E. Dromio insist they were not. |
ADRIANA, to Pinch
Is ’t good to soothe him in these contraries? PINCH
It is no shame. The fellow finds his vein 85
And, yielding to him, humors well his frenzy. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, to Adriana
Thou hast suborned the goldsmith to arrest me. ADRIANA
Alas, I sent you money to redeem you
By Dromio here, who came in haste for it. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Money by me? Heart and goodwill you might, 90
But surely, master, not a rag of money. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Went’st not thou to her for a purse of ducats? ADRIANA
He came to me, and I delivered it. LUCIANA
And I am witness with her that she did. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
God and the rope-maker bear me witness 95
That I was sent for nothing but a rope. PINCH
Mistress, both man and master is possessed.
I know it by their pale and deadly looks.
They must be bound and laid in some dark room. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, to Adriana
Say wherefore didst thou lock me forth today. 100
To Dromio of Ephesus. And why dost thou deny the
bag of gold? ADRIANA
I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
And, gentle master, I received no gold.
But I confess, sir, that we were locked out. 105 ADRIANA
Dissembling villain, thou speak’st false in both. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all,
And art confederate with a damnèd pack
To make a loathsome abject scorn of me.
But with these nails I’ll pluck out these false eyes 110
That would behold in me this shameful sport. ADRIANA
O bind him, bind him! Let him not come near me. Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives. PINCH
More company! The fiend is strong within him. LUCIANA
Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks! ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
What, will you murder me?—Thou jailer, thou, 115
I am thy prisoner. Wilt thou suffer them
To make a rescue? OFFICER Masters, let him go.
He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him. PINCH
Go, bind this man, for he is frantic too. 120 Dromio is bound. ADRIANA, to Officer
What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?
Hast thou delight to see a wretched man
Do outrage and displeasure to himself? OFFICER
He is my prisoner. If I let him go,
The debt he owes will be required of me. 125 ADRIANA
I will discharge thee ere I go from thee.
Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,
And knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.—
Good Master Doctor, see him safe conveyed
Home to my house. O most unhappy day! 130 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS O most unhappy strumpet! DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Master, I am here entered in bond for you. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Out on thee, villain! Wherefore dost thou mad me? DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Will you be bound for nothing? Be mad, good
master. 135
Cry “The devil!” LUCIANA
God help poor souls! How idly do they talk! ADRIANA, to Pinch
Go bear him hence.
Pinch and his men exit with Antipholus
and Dromio of Ephesus. Officer, Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan remain. Sister, go you with me.
To Officer. Say now whose suit is he arrested at. 140 | E. Antipholus also is a bit unhappy about being arrested. Adriana promises she sent the bail money via Dromio. Poor E. Dromio is certain that he was neither asked to bring the money, nor given any money, and he certainly didn’t deliver the money, as everyone is sure of. Basically, everyone seems crazy, and Pinch concludes the men are possessed and must be bound and put into a dark room for their own good. E. Antipholus is driven into greater fury—he declares his wife a false harlot, and promises to pluck out her eyes with his bare hands. After a bit of a scuffle, E. Dromio and E. Antipholus are tied up and taken away. Adriana then tries to deal with her husband’s debt. |
OFFICER
One Angelo, a goldsmith. Do you know him? ADRIANA
I know the man. What is the sum he owes? OFFICER
Two hundred ducats. ADRIANA Say, how grows it due? OFFICER
Due for a chain your husband had of him. 145 ADRIANA
He did bespeak a chain for me but had it not. COURTESAN
Whenas your husband all in rage today
Came to my house and took away my ring,
The ring I saw upon his finger now,
Straight after did I meet him with a chain. 150 ADRIANA
It may be so, but I did never see it.—
Come, jailer, bring me where the goldsmith is.
I long to know the truth hereof at large. Enter Antipholus of Syracuse with his rapier drawn,
and Dromio of Syracuse. LUCIANA
God for Thy mercy, they are loose again! ADRIANA
And come with naked swords. Let’s call more help 155
To have them bound again. OFFICER Away! They’ll kill us. Run all out as fast as may be, frighted.
Antipholus and Dromio of Syracuse remain. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I see these witches are afraid of swords. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
She that would be your wife now ran from you. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Come to the Centaur. Fetch our stuff from thence. 160
I long that we were safe and sound aboard. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Faith, stay here this night. They
will surely do us no harm. You saw they speak us
fair, give us gold. Methinks they are such a gentle
nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that 165
claims marriage of me, I could find in my heart to
stay here still, and turn witch. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I will not stay tonight for all the town.
Therefore, away, to get our stuff aboard. They exit. | The officer explains the debt was called in by Angelo the goldsmith for a certain necklace. Adriana notes she never got the necklace her husband had spoken of. The Courtesan says E. Antipholus ran into her house and took a ring from her, promising a gold chain in return. What's more, she saw Antipholus (but of course we know it was S. Antipholus) earlier, wearing the chain. Adriana, confused, asks to be taken to Angelo the goldsmith to hear the whole truth. Before they can all leave, S. Antipholus runs in with his sword drawn and S. Dromio in tow. Luciana is shocked that the men are loose again, and Adriana decides they should run off and get help to tie the men up again. As the officer flees with the women, S. Antipholus and S. Dromio marvel at the fact that these "witches" fear their swords. S. Antipholus hurriedly tells S. Dromio to go grab their things from the Centaur inn so they can leave. S. Dromio says maybe S. Antipholus is being a bit hasty. It's not that bad here. The people are nice and keep giving them gold. He's almost inclined to stay and become a witch. S. Antipholus insists on leaving ASAP. |