Enter Holofernes the Pedant, Nathaniel the Curate, and Dull the Constable. HOLOFERNES Satis quid sufficit. NATHANIEL I praise God for you, sir. Your reasons at dinner have been sharp and sententious, pleasant without scurrility, witty without affection, audacious without impudency, learned without opinion, 5 and strange without heresy. I did converse this quondam day with a companion of the King’s, who is intituled, nominated, or called Don Adriano de Armado. HOLOFERNES Novi hominem tanquam te. His humor 10 is lofty, his discourse peremptory, his tongue filed, his eye ambitious, his gait majestical, and his general behavior vain, ridiculous, and thrasonical. He is too picked, too spruce, too affected, too odd, as it were, too peregrinate, as I may call it. 15 NATHANIEL A most singular and choice epithet. Draw out his table book. HOLOFERNES He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument. I abhor such fanatical phantasimes, such insociable and point-devise companions, such rackers of orthography, 20 as to speak “dout,” fine, when he should say “doubt”; “det” when he should pronounce “debt”—d, e, b, t, not d, e, t. He clepeth a calf “cauf,” half “hauf,” neighbor vocatur “nebor”; neigh abbreviated ne. This is abhominable—which 25 he would call “abominable.” It insinuateth me of insanie. Ne intelligis, domine? To make frantic, lunatic. NATHANIEL Laus Deo, bone intelligo. HOLOFERNES Bone? Bone for bene? Priscian a little 30 scratched; ’twill serve. | Holofernes, Sir Nathaniel and Dull enter from dinner. Nathaniel is up to his usual brown-nosing with Holofernes. He says how refreshing it is to enjoy a scintillating conversation after having spent time earlier in the day talking to Armado. Armado seems to be a sore spot with Holofernes, who busts into a long critique of Armado's ornate communication style. The schoolmaster and curate continue to amuse themselves by showing off their Latin skills. |
Enter Armado the Braggart, Boy, and Costard. NATHANIEL Videsne quis venit? HOLOFERNES Video, et gaudeo. ARMADO Chirrah. HOLOFERNES Quare “chirrah,” not “sirrah”? 35 ARMADO Men of peace, well encountered. HOLOFERNES Most military sir, salutation. BOY, aside to Costard They have been at a great feast of languages and stolen the scraps. COSTARD, aside to Boy O, they have lived long on the 40 almsbasket of words. I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word, for thou art not so long by the head as honorificabilitudinitatibus. Thou art easier swallowed than a flapdragon. BOY, aside to Costard Peace, the peal begins. 45 ARMADO, to Holofernes Monsieur, are you not lettered? BOY Yes, yes, he teaches boys the hornbook.—What is a, b spelled backward, with the horn on his head? HOLOFERNES Ba, pueritia, with a horn added. 50 BOY Ba, most silly sheep, with a horn.—You hear his learning. HOLOFERNES Quis, quis, thou consonant? BOY The last of the five vowels, if you repeat them; or the fifth, if I. 55 HOLOFERNES I will repeat them: a, e, i— BOY The sheep. The other two concludes it: o, u. ARMADO Now by the salt wave of the Mediterraneum, a sweet touch, a quick venue of wit! Snip, snap, quick and home. It rejoiceth my intellect. True 60 wit. BOY Offered by a child to an old man—which is wit-old. HOLOFERNES What is the figure? What is the figure? BOY Horns. 65 HOLOFERNES Thou disputes like an infant. Go whip thy gig. BOY Lend me your horn to make one, and I will whip about your infamy—unum cita—a gig of a cuckold’s horn. 70 COSTARD An I had but one penny in the world, thou shouldst have it to buy gingerbread! Hold, there is the very remuneration I had of thy master, thou halfpenny purse of wit, thou pigeon egg of discretion. He gives him money. O, an the heavens were 75 so pleased that thou wert but my bastard, what a joyful father wouldest thou make me! Go to, thou hast it ad dunghill, at the fingers’ ends, as they say. HOLOFERNES Oh, I smell false Latin! Dunghill for unguem. | Armado enters with Mote and Costard. Mote is, as usual, not so respectful, and gets into a playful battle of wits with clueless Holofernes. Mote wins, much to Costard's amusement. |
ARMADO Arts-man, preambulate. We will be singuled from the barbarous. Do you not educate youth at the charge-house on the top of the mountain? HOLOFERNES Or mons, the hill. ARMADO At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain. 85 HOLOFERNES I do, sans question. ARMADO Sir, it is the King’s most sweet pleasure and affection to congratulate the Princess at her pavilion in the posteriors of this day, which the rude multitude call the afternoon. 90 HOLOFERNES “The posterior of the day,” most generous sir, is liable, congruent, and measurable for “the afternoon”; the word is well culled, chose, sweet, and apt, I do assure you, sir, I do assure. ARMADO Sir, the King is a noble gentleman, and my 95 familiar, I do assure you, very good friend. For what is inward between us, let it pass. I do beseech thee, remember thy courtesy; I beseech thee apparel thy head. And among other important and most serious designs, and of great import indeed, too— 100 but let that pass; for I must tell thee, it will please his Grace, by the world, sometimes to lean upon my poor shoulder and with his royal finger thus dally with my excrement, with my mustachio—but, sweetheart, let that pass. By the world, I recount no 105 fable! Some certain special honors it pleaseth his Greatness to impart to Armado, a soldier, a man of travel, that hath seen the world—but let that pass. The very all of all is—but sweetheart, I do implore secrecy—that the King would have me present the 110 Princess, sweet chuck, with some delightful ostentation, or show, or pageant, or antic, or firework. Now, understanding that the curate and your sweet self are good at such eruptions and sudden breaking out of mirth, as it were, I have acquainted you 115 withal to the end to crave your assistance. HOLOFERNES Sir, you shall present before her the Nine Worthies.—Sir Nathaniel, as concerning some entertainment of time, some show in the posterior of this day, to be rendered by our assistance, the 120 King’s command, and this most gallant, illustrate, and learned gentleman, before the Princess—I say, none so fit as to present the Nine Worthies. NATHANIEL Where will you find men worthy enough to present them? 125 HOLOFERNES Joshua, yourself; myself; and this gallant gentleman, Judas Maccabaeus. This swain, because of his great limb or joint, shall pass Pompey the Great; the page, Hercules— ARMADO Pardon, sir—error. He is not quantity 130 enough for that Worthy’s thumb; he is not so big as the end of his club! HOLOFERNES Shall I have audience? He shall present Hercules in minority. His enter and exit shall be strangling a snake; and I will have an apology for 135 that purpose. BOY An excellent device. So, if any of the audience hiss, you may cry “Well done, Hercules, now thou crushest the snake.” That is the way to make an offense gracious, though few have the grace to do it. 140 ARMADO For the rest of the Worthies? HOLOFERNES I will play three myself. BOY Thrice-worthy gentleman! ARMADO, to Holofernes Shall I tell you a thing? HOLOFERNES We attend. 145 ARMADO We will have, if this fadge not, an antic. I beseech you, follow. HOLOFERNES Via, goodman Dull. Thou hast spoken no word all this while. DULL Nor understood none neither, sir. 150 HOLOFERNES Allons! We will employ thee. DULL I’ll make one in a dance, or so; or I will play on the tabor to the Worthies and let them dance the hay. HOLOFERNES Most dull, honest Dull. To our sport! 155 Away. They exit. | Armado invites Holofernes to take a little walk and hear his proposal. After a good bit of bragging, Armado comes out with it: the King wants him to organize a pageant. Having heard that Holofernes and Nathaniel are good at such things, he's asking for their help. Holofernes doesn't miss a beat. They'll present a pageant of the Nine Worthies—great men in History. Nathaniel, Armado, Costard, and Mote will all have parts, and Holofernes will play three heroes himself. Dull will dance. |