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Battle Breakdown – The War of 1812. Unanimously voted “War of the Year.”

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Most people have at least heard of the War of 1812…

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…but few could tell you about any of the specific battles…

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…or even who fought whom. So why do we have such a tough time recalling

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what this war was all about?

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Have we as a nation blocked it out for some reason?

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Were we all hopped up on nitrous oxide after a long trip to the dentist?

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Or was there simply… not much to remember? Well, let’s take a stroll down “No Memory

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Lane”…

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…and see if we can get a handle on this hazy period of history.

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The whole thing kicked off in June of 1812…

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…when President James Madison asked the Senate to pass a declaration of war against

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Great Britain.

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They did just that, by a vote of 19 to 13.

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Yep, you did the math correctly – only 32 senators.

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There was a lot more breathing room in the Senate back in those days.

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The first major conflict was a naval battle between the USS Constitution and the HMS Guerriere.

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<<GARY-AIR>>

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That’s “derriere” with a “G.” Appropriate, as the Guerriere got its derriere kicked.

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The British artillery simply couldn’t quite get through the hull of the American ship…

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…which was known as “Old Ironsides.”

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In retrospect, “Ironsides” probably would have sufficed.

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Doesn’t seem necessary to make the poor boat feel bad about its age.

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A number of smaller battles followed, including one very small battle that wasn’t actually

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a battle at all.

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The Americans surrendered to British forces at Detroit without even putting up a fight.

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But don’t worry – General William Hull was court-martialed for his cowardice.

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In the middle of the War, James Madison was elected to a second term as President.

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He received 128 votes in the Electoral College…

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…easily enough to top the 89 votes received by De Witt Clinton…

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…who was supported by the Federalist Party.

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So Anderson Cooper was able to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

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After a couple of years, the United States and Great Britain finally began having direct

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talks.

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Their phones began getting much better reception with their new family plans.

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However, it still wasn’t enough to resolve the nations’ differences.

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On September 14th in 1814, the British attacked Baltimore.

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And after three days of fighting, the British retreated.

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The accuracy of the American artillery at Fort McHenry kept the British from entering

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the harbor.

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Our boys could have picked a flea off a dog’s back from one hundred yards.

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Although the dog probably wouldn’t have come away entirely unscathed.

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The win was so stirring that it actually inspired Francis Scott Key to write “The Star Spangled

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Banner.”

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Also, he was really tired of every baseball game starting off with “Call Me Maybe.”

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By 1815, everyone had had enough.

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Britain and the United States signed the Treaty of Ghent…

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…which called for the return of all POW’s and captured territory…

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…as well as amnesty for all Indians who fought in the war.

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So nice of them to give our Indian friends a little somethin’ somethin’.

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The Treaty also asked for the return of all slaves seized during the war by the British…

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…and a commitment from both nations to put an end to the international slave trade.

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They’d have to find some other ways to demean their fellow human beings.

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The real reasons the war had been fought in the first place – British maritime policy,

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neutral rights, and impressment – all of which got swept under the rug.

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Unfortunately, news of the agreement could only travel at one horsepower back then.

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And two weeks before they received word of peace, the US claimed its signature win at

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the Battle of New Orleans.

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In that lopsided encounter, the British suffered over 2,000 casualties...

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…while the Americans only lost 21 men.

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Now that’s what we call a whoopin’. So, while certain things were accomplished…

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…the issues that plagued the two nations at the start of the war were kinda… left

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hanging. Which may be why the War of 1812 doesn’t

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stand out in the forefront of our minds.

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In the scheme of things, it was sort of a… mini-war.

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Don’t you fret, however.

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Plenty of big, awful, memorable wars were right around the bend…

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