Read the full text of Troilus and Cressida Act 5 Scene 1 with a side-by-side translation HERE.
- Achilles chills with Patroclus and talks trash about how he's going to make mincemeat out of Hector tomorrow.
- Then Thersites (the loudmouth slave) shows up at the Greek camp with a letter from Troy.
- Thersites and Achilles bag on each other, which, of course. Did you expect anything else?
- Patroclus tries to chime in but Thersites tells him to pipe down and calls him a man-whore.
- To get his point across, Thersites lists a bunch of nasty diseases (most of which are STDs) and symptoms and says he hopes Patroclus experiences them all.
- Want a sampling? "Rotten diseases of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures [...] raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers," "incurable bone-ache," and so on.
- Meanwhile, Achilles reads his letter. It's from Queen Hecuba and includes a little love token from Polyxena (Hecuba's daughter).
- Achilles is all "Rats! I was really looking forward to killing Hector tomorrow but I have to go back to Troy because I promised both women I wouldn't fight."
- Achilles and Patroclus order Thersites to get their tent ready for a party that night. Tent party, y'all!
- Alone on stage, Thersites delivers one of his nasty soliloquies about Achilles, Patroclus, and Agamemnon, who's got "ear-wax" for a brain.
- Finally, a bunch of guys show up at Achilles' tent and go inside to par-tay.
- When Diomedes leaves, Ulysses whispers that Troilus should follow him to Calchas' tent.
- Thersites follows too and says he doesn't trust Diomedes. He then repeats a rumor that Diomedes is going to hook up with a "Trojan drab" (whore) in Calchas' tent.