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Macbeth, a la Shmoop Have you heard the one about the witches in

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the forest?

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One witch says, "What's for dinner?" The second one says,

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"Eye of newt and toe of frog, Wool of bat and tongue of dog,

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Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg and owlet's wing.”

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The third one waits a second, and goes, "Yeah, but is it organic?"

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Okay, fine, don't laugh. It's not like I get any respect in this play anyway. Macbeth,

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Lady Macbeth, MacDuff... if you don't have a Mac in your name, it's like you don't exist.

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Sure, I'm just the ghost, don't pay any attention to me. …Banquo's <Bank-whoa’s> an awesome

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name, too, you know. Despite my hilarious joke, the Weird Sisters

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weren't very funny. Besides using babies as ingredients…

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…they started all the trouble by telling Macbeth he was going to get a promotion, and

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even become king.

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And what did I get? My kids will become kings. Which would be great, if I wasn't dead.

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Anyway, Macbeth did get bumped to upper management, and then he and his wife got to thinking how

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great they would look with crowns.

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So Lady Macbeth invited King Duncan over for a sleepover...and murder!  

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Macbeth was going to wimp out, but Lady Macbeth gave him a quick pep talk, and even framed

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the king's bodyguards for the dastardly deed. …

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…Seriously, you do not want to get on her bad side. Anyway, their evil plan totally

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worked...King Duncan’s sons vamoosed to Ireland, leaving only Macbeth to assume the

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throne. I was onto them the whole time, of course.

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I was a pretty smart guy, in my breathing days. And honest, too. So honest that I told

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Macbeth exactly where I was going that evening, which made it super-easy for him to ambush

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me and my son, Fleance. <Flee-ants> …

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…Okay, so in hindsight, not such a good idea. But Fleance escaped, and I was able

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to use my magical ghost powers to show up at Macbeth's dinner party. You should have

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seen his face!

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Lady Macbeth tried to calm him down…

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…but I was pretty much the death of the party. Ghost power!

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By now, the good folks of Scotland were starting to notice the string of highly convenient

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deaths surrounding their new king.

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MacDuff was suspicious enough to go find Duncan's son, Malcolm, and ask the King of England

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for an army or two to straighten things out. Macbeth, naturally a little tense, went to

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see the Weird Sisters again…weren't they a band in Harry Potter?...

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…and those charming ladies told him three things. First, watch out for MacDuff.

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Second, the only man who can kill you didn't come out of his mom like that video you saw

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in health class.

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And third, you're cool until the trees start coming to get you.  

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Man, he should have asked for his money back on that little fortune. But the last part

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is my fave...guess whose kids are gonna rule? Mine! Team Banquo! Nice try, MacLoser!

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Still think Macbeth's an okay guy? Tell that to MacDuff's family, cuz MacBeth had them

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all killed. I bet he even killed their gerbils.

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MacDuff got all vengeful, and “Operation Destroy Macbeth" went into full swing.

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At this point, both MacDuff and Macbeth had thrown their brains out the window in favor

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of killing stuff, so I was glad I was already dead. I had a front-row seat to watch the

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English army mop the floor with my enemy, and all without risk of blood spatter!

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Things really started to go south for Macbeth. First, his wife went off her rocker and killed

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herself, and then he got the news that that big army of trees had arrived. Actually it

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was an army of dudes carrying tree branches, but close enough.

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Then MacDuff had a showdown with Macbeth, who still thought he was invincible because

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of that "no man born of woman can kill you" safety clause. Plot twist...MacDuff was a

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C-section baby!

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So obviously, he won the fight, and got a cool souvenir...Macbeth's head! Hope he doesn't

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start a collection… So Malcolm's king, MacDuff's a hero, and everyone

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gets to live happily ever after. Except me, because I'm dead. But it's cool; I've got

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a second career as a celebrity ghost impersonator.

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What? Come on, that one was funny!

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