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The Crucible, a la Shmoop. Okay, in hindsight, I'm willing to admit that

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my prank went a little too far.

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It's all fun and games until you get your ex-lover executed. But you know what they

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say about a woman scorned... It all started when my uncle, Reverend Parris,

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busted me and the girls casting spells with our slave Tituba <TIT-too-buh>*.

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Then my cousin Betty started acting all nuts, and the townsfolk started to whisper about

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witchcraft.

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Hey, they could say what they liked, as long as it didn’t get me grounded!

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I had my own super-secret reasons to go gallivanting into the forest.

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Tituba had magical powers, the kind that might help me bump off my rival, that Goody-two-shoes,

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Elizabeth Proctor. …

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Oh, don’t act shocked… Elizabeth totally had it coming. What a drip. The whole time

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I was working for the Proctors, I couldn't figure out how a wimp like her caught a fox

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like John.

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I felt kinda sorry for him, what with Elizabeth being sick all the time, so I figured…why

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not have a fling with the man of the house?

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That little exploit got me fired…whoops…but I found another home with my uncle, Reverend

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Parris.

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I knew it was only a matter of time until John Boy left his lame-o wife and came running

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into my arms.

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I dug John so much that I even let him in on my little secret – that the gang and

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I weren’t really under enchantment.

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I thought he and I were having a touching moment. Then he told me it was over. Not gonna

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lie, I was a little peeved about that one….

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…but why get mad when you can get even, right?  

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I knew I had to be cautious when witch hunter Reverend Hale came to town, because being

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executed as an accessory to witchcraft wasn’t high on my list of priorities.

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So naturally, my first move was to throw Tituba under the bus.

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Then, when I noticed that my former minion, Mary Warren, was getting too cozy with Elizabeth,

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making her a sweet little dolly. …

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… I put on an Oscar-worthy show of being poked with a needle, voodoo-style. Bingo,

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the investigators found Elizabeth’s new doll, and the trial was on! You have to admit,

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that one was total genius.

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I was starting to feel invincible...if I didn’t like somebody, I threw around the “W-word,”

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and they were thrown in the slammer. It was fantastic.

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There was a slight hiccup when Mary Warren turned stoolpigeon and testified about the

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doll, but I was on top of it. I said that I saw Mary's spirit appear in the room as

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a yellow bird.

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Okay, not very original, but you try framing someone on short notice!

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That got Mary in line again, and she named John as the one trying to recruit her to Team

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Satan.

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I thought John would be smart enough to keep his big yap shut, but he was so desperate

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to save his precious Elizabeth that he actually admitted to adultery...

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…not a great way to climb the Puritan social ladder.

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John’s little confession nearly cost me my victim cred, but fortunately, it backfired

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when Elizabeth lied to protect his reputation. Ha!

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Watching them try to save each other was kind of sweet, in a “claw your eyes out and stomp

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on them” kind of way. I decided I had to get over it, so I took

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my uncle’s money and ran. It's hard to care about Massachusetts when you're sipping piña

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coladas in Fiji.

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Things might have worked out for John, too, if he hadn’t had this weird prejudice against

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lying. All he had to do was admit to being a witch, and take a hit to his reputation.

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But right up until the end, he refused to hand in a signed confession...

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…and Elizabeth did zippo to convince him, since he was being all noble for her and the

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kids. Ugh. They deserve each other.

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I feel a little bad that he was hanged, but hey, that's what you get for dumping me!

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Could you pass the sunscreen?

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