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Wuthering Heights, a la Shmoop I don't like you.

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Don't take it personally; I don't really like anyone.

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I’m a pretty angry guy. I think it's because of the ups and downs of my unhappy childhood.

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I was an orphan. Down.

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I was adopted by the rich Mr. Earnshaw, and taken to live at my dream house, Wuthering

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Heights. Up!

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Mr. Earnshaw's son, Hindley, seriously had it in for me. Down.

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My adopted sister Catherine, though, was adorable and loved me. Very up!

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A wealthy heiress and a street kid fall in love. What could possibly go wrong, right?

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Here’s what. Catherine fell in love with our wimpy neighbor, Edgar Linton, and married

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him, even though he was not dark or brooding or as awesomely-named as me.

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I think the socially approved thing would have been for me to wait patiently for Catherine

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to come to her senses, using the time to become a better man.

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But that's not really my style. I'm more of a "hatch an evil plan" sort of guy.

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So I set some reasonable goals: ruin Hindley's life, take over all the local real estate,

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including Wuthering Heights, and make Catherine regret picking that 98 pound weakling over

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me.

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I even married Edgar's sister, Isabel, just to get Edgar's goat.

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I didn't count on Catherine dying, though.

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I went through the 5 stages of grief, including the one where you dig up your dead ex to say

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goodbye…

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…but I never really got over it, and living in Wuthering Heights wasn't all I'd hoped

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it would be.

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Sure, my evil bro Hindley was dead, but now I was stuck with his irritating son, Hareton<<hair-tin>>,

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and my anemic heir, Linton, who moved in with me after his mom died.

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Come to think of it, maybe we all would have been better-adjusted if we still had mothers.

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At least then I wouldn't be surrounded by nincompoops.

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Even worse, I was running out of lives to destroy. Fortunately, Catherine had a daughter

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before she died, and Cathy 2 was Edgar's pride and joy.

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Edgar and his interfering servant, Nelly, tried to keep their innocent pumpkin away

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from me, but my irresistibly pasty son, Linton, lured her like a worm on a hook…

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Ha, suckers! Cathy totally fell for the "surprise attack wedding" maneuver…

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…and I was sitting pretty to inherit Edgar's estate!  Things got even better when that

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good for nothing Linton croaked, and I got to keep Cathy on as free labor. Score!

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I rented out Linton's old house to make some cash money…as if I didn’t have enough!...

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and my tenant, Lockwood, was a seriously nosy parker.

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I bet he had that stool pigeon Nelly telling him all about my checkered past and nefarious

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misdeeds. I decided I definitely didn't like this Lockwood wiseacre.

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But apparently somebody else took a shine to him. When that meddler slept in Catherine's

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old bedroom, she practically climbed through the window to haunt him!

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How do you like that? Her ghost played “hard to get” with me for years, and suddenly

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it’s like we’re in an episode of Ghost Hunters.

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That’s women for you. No loyalty. At least it gave me something else to brood about.

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Still, missing Catherine really took the fun out of life. Even picking on Cathy and Hareton

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lost its appeal.

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Here I was, eating my liver out over my lost love, and those two were as happy as two little

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bunnies in a meadow.  

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I couldn't take it anymore, so I died. And they were still happy. Planning a wedding

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in their awesome house that I bought for them. Sure, they would have inherited it anyway,

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but still.

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Aw, come on, now they're kissing over my grave. Get a room!

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