Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans. SHALLOW
Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a
Star-Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir
John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow,
Esquire. SLENDER
In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace 5
and Coram. SHALLOW
Ay, Cousin Slender, and Custalorum. SLENDER Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born,
Master Parson, who writes himself “Armigero”
in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation— 10
“Armigero!” SHALLOW
Ay, that I do, and have done any time these
three hundred years. SLENDER
All his successors gone before him hath
done ’t, and all his ancestors that come after him 15
may. They may give the dozen white luces in their
coat. SHALLOW
It is an old coat. SIR HUGH The dozen white louses do become an old
coat well. It agrees well, passant. It is a familiar 20
beast to man and signifies love. SHALLOW
The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an
old coat. SLENDER
I may quarter, coz. SHALLOW You may, by marrying. 25 SIR HUGH
It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. SHALLOW
Not a whit. SIR HUGH Yes, py ’r Lady. If he has a quarter of your
coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
simple conjectures. But that is all one. If Sir John 30
Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you,
I am of the Church, and will be glad to do my
benevolence to make atonements and compromises
between you. SHALLOW
The Council shall hear it; it is a riot. 35 SIR HUGH
It is not meet the Council hear a riot. There
is no fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you,
shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear
a riot. Take your visaments in that. SHALLOW
Ha! O’ my life, if I were young again, the 40
sword should end it. | On a street in Windsor, England, we meet three guys: (1) Justice Robert Shallow (a man who thinks he's awesome and likes to remind everyone about his social rank, thus earning his name); (2) Shallow's nephew Abraham Slender, who has a habit of strutting around with his nose up in the air; and (3) Sir Hugh Evans, a Welsh clergyman with a seriously thick accent. The guys are all standing around talking smack about everyone's favorite disgraced knight, Sir John Falstaff. Justice Shallow is all bent out of shape because Falstaff has somehow insulted him. Don't worry. We'll find out what happened in a minute. |
SIR HUGH
It is petter that friends is the sword, and end
it. And there is also another device in my prain,
which peradventure prings goot discretions with
it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master 45
Thomas Page, which is pretty virginity. SLENDER
Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair
and speaks small like a woman? SIR HUGH
It is that fery person for all the ’orld, as just
as you will desire. And seven hundred pounds of 50
moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon
his death’s-bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!)
give, when she is able to overtake seventeen
years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our
pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between 55
Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page. SLENDER
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pound? SIR HUGH
Ay, and her father is make her a petter
penny. 60 SLENDER
I know the young gentlewoman. She has
good gifts. SIR HUGH
Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is
goot gifts. SHALLOW
Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff 65
there? SIR HUGH
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I
do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
is not true. The knight Sir John is there, and I beseech
you be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat 70
the door for Master Page. He knocks. What ho?
Got pless your house here. PAGE, within
Who’s there? SIR HUGH
Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and
Justice Shallow, and here young Master Slender, 75
that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
matters grow to your likings. | Sir Hugh changes the subject to something better: girls. Specifically, the local teenage hottie, Anne Page. Instead of wasting time worrying about Falstaff, Sir Hugh says Slender should try to marry Anne, who is the poster girl for "pretty virginity." (Read: She's the ultimate Elizabethan good girl.) Sir Hugh is all, "Oh, did I mention that she's rich? Her grandfather left her a boatload of money and when her dad dies, she'll inherit even more. Cha-ching! Slender's response goes something like this: "Oh, yeah. That girl with the brown hair and squeaky voice? She seems alright." (Hmm. That's not exactly the passionate response we'd get from a guy like Romeo but, okay, whatever, this is a different kind of play.) Since Slender seems sort of interested, the guys head over to Anne's house to chat up…her dad. See, in Shakespeare's day, marriages were arranged like business contracts between men, which is why nobody says anything about chatting up Anne. Ah, the good old days. |
Enter Master Page. PAGE I am glad to see your Worships well. I thank you
for my venison, Master Shallow. SHALLOW
Master Page, I am glad to see you. Much 80
good do it your good heart! I wished your venison
better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress
Page? And I thank you always with my heart, la,
with my heart. PAGE
Sir, I thank you. 85 SHALLOW
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. PAGE
I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. SLENDER
How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I
heard say he was outrun on Cotsall. PAGE
It could not be judged, sir. 90 SLENDER
You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess. SHALLOW That he will not. ’Tis your fault, ’tis your
fault. ’Tis a good dog. PAGE A cur, sir. SHALLOW
Sir, he’s a good dog and a fair dog. Can there 95
be more said? He is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff
here? PAGE Sir, he is within, and I would I could do a good
office between you. SIR HUGH
It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. 100 SHALLOW He hath wronged me, Master Page. PAGE
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. SHALLOW
If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not
that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed
he hath; at a word, he hath. Believe me. Robert 105
Shallow, Esquire, saith he is wronged. Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. PAGE
Here comes Sir John. FALSTAFF
Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me
to the King? SHALLOW
Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my 110
deer, and broke open my lodge. | They arrive at the Page house and proceed to talk to Master Page about his favorite greyhound, who just lost a big race. That's Shakespeare's way of painting a picture of what life is like for folks who live in rural towns like Windsor. Apparently, these people like dog racing. As it turns out, Falstaff and his low-life pals are also at Master Page's house. You know what that means. Time for a Shakespearean, trash-talking, smack-down! Shallow gets all up in Falstaff's face and accuses him of the following crimes: (1) slapping Shallow's men around, (2) poaching deer from his land, and (3) breaking into a building on his property. Brain Snack: Some scholars (like Nicholas Rowe) think that Shakespeare based Justice Shallow's character on a real guy named Sir Thomas Lucy who supposedly busted Shakespeare for poaching deer when he was a young man (source). |
FALSTAFF
But not kissed your keeper’s daughter. SHALLOW
Tut, a pin. This shall be answered. FALSTAFF
I will answer it straight: I have done all this.
That is now answered. 115 SHALLOW
The Council shall know this. FALSTAFF
’Twere better for you if it were known in
counsel. You’ll be laughed at. SIR HUGH
Pauca verba, Sir John, good worts. FALSTAFF
Good worts? Good cabbage!—Slender, I 120
broke your head. What matter have you against
me? SLENDER
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against
you and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol. 125 BARDOLPH
You Banbury cheese! SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter. PISTOL
How now, Mephostophilus? SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter. NYM
Slice, I say! Pauca, pauca. Slice, that’s my humor. 130 SLENDER, to Shallow Where’s Simple, my man?
Can you tell, cousin? SIR HUGH
Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand;
there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand:
that is, Master Page (fidelicet Master Page); 135
and there is myself (fidelicet myself); and the three
party is, lastly and finally, mine Host of the Garter. PAGE
We three to hear it and end it between them. SIR HUGH
Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my
notebook, and we will afterwards ’ork upon the 140
cause with as great discreetly as we can. FALSTAFF
Pistol. PISTOL
He hears with ears. SIR HUGH
The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this,
“He hears with ear”? Why, it is affectations. 145 FALSTAFF
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse? SLENDER
Ay, by these gloves, did he—or I would I
might never come in mine own great chamber
again else—of seven groats in mill-sixpences,
and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two 150
shilling and twopence apiece of Yed Miller, by
these gloves. FALSTAFF
Is this true, Pistol? SIR HUGH
No, it is false, if it is a pickpurse. PISTOL
Ha, thou mountain foreigner!—Sir John and 155
master mine, I combat challenge of this latten
bilbo.—Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of
denial! Froth and scum, thou liest. SLENDER, indicating Nym
By these gloves, then ’twas
he. 160 NYM
Be avised, sir, and pass good humors. I will say
“marry trap with you” if you run the nuthook’s
humor on me. That is the very note of it. SLENDER
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it.
For, though I cannot remember what I did when 165
you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an
ass. FALSTAFF
What say you, Scarlet and John? BARDOLPH Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman
had drunk himself out of his five sentences. 170 SIR HUGH
It is “his five senses.” Fie, what the ignorance
is! BARDOLPH, to Falstaff And being fap, sir, was, as
they say, cashiered. And so conclusions passed the
careers. 175 SLENDER Ay, you spake in Latin then too. But ’tis no
matter. I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again but in
honest, civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be
drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of
God, and not with drunken knaves. 180 SIR HUGH
So Got ’udge me, that is a virtuous mind. FALSTAFF
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen.
You hear it. | Falstaff adds that he also made out with the daughter of one of Shallow's employees. Don't leave that off the list! More smack talk ensues. There's a lot of name-calling like, "Banbury cheese!" and "Mephistopheles!" and "cony-catching rascals!" (You get the idea.) Before things can calm down, Slender says that Falstaff's posse of hoodlums stole from him. By the way, Falstaff's posse is made up of Bardolph, Pistol, and Nym, all old favorites from the Henry plays. Sir Hugh is the local clergyman so he steps in and tries to break up the fight. He wants the guys settle the dispute quietly and locally without involving any outsiders. Of course, Falstaff's buddies deny everything and accuse Slender of drinking too much, blacking out, and not being able to remember what happened to his money. (By the way, if you've read Henry IV Part 1, you already know that it's highly likely that one of Falstaff's pals stole from Slender.) |
Enter Anne Page with wine. PAGE
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in. We’ll drink
within. Anne Page exits. 185 SLENDER
O heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page. Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page. PAGE
How now, Mistress Ford? FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met. By your leave, good mistress. He kisses her. PAGE
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome.—Come, we 190
have a hot venison pasty to dinner. Come, gentlemen,
I hope we shall drink down all unkindness. All but Slender, Shallow, and Sir Hugh exit. SLENDER
I had rather than forty shillings I had my
book of Songs and Sonnets here! Enter Simple. How now, Simple? Where have you been? I must 195
wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of
Riddles about you, have you? SIMPLE
Book of Riddles? Why, did you not lend it to
Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight
afore Michaelmas? 200 SHALLOW, to Slender
Come, coz; come, coz. We stay
for you. A word with you, coz. Marry, this, coz:
there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made
afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me? SLENDER Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be 205
so, I shall do that that is reason. SHALLOW
Nay, but understand me. SLENDER
So I do, sir. SIR HUGH
Give ear to his motions, Master Slender. I
will description the matter to you, if you be capacity 210
of it. SLENDER
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I
pray you, pardon me. He’s a Justice of Peace in his
country, simple though I stand here. SIR HUGH
But that is not the question. The question is 215
concerning your marriage. SHALLOW Ay, there’s the point, sir. SIR HUGH
Marry, is it, the very point of it—to Mistress
Anne Page. SLENDER Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any 220
reasonable demands. SIR HUGH
But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips;
for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of
the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your 225
good will to the maid? SHALLOW
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? SLENDER
I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one
that would do reason. SIR HUGH
Nay, Got’s lords and His ladies! You must 230
speak positable, if you can carry her your desires
towards her. SHALLOW
That you must. Will you, upon good dowry,
marry her? SLENDER
I will do a greater thing than that, upon your 235
request, cousin, in any reason. SHALLOW
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz.
What I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the
maid? SLENDER
I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if 240
there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven
may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when
we are married and have more occasion to know
one another. I hope upon familiarity will grow
more content. But if you say “Marry her,” I will 245
marry her. That I am freely dissolved, and
dissolutely. SIR HUGH
It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is
in the ’ord “dissolutely.” The ’ort is, according to
our meaning, “resolutely.” His meaning is good. 250 SHALLOW Ay, I think my cousin meant well. SLENDER
Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la! | All this bickering is interrupted when teen dream Anne Page walks in with a tray of wine and exits immediately after setting it down. Slender proves he's not exactly suave by essentially stammering, "Wow. Anne Page. Wow." Then Mistress Page (Anne's mom) and her BFF Mistress Ford show up. Finally! We've been wondering when we'd get to meet the "merry wives" of Windsor. Falstaff, who thinks he's a ladies man, runs over to say hello. He slobbers all over Mistress Ford's hand while Master Ford watches in silence. (Get your highlighters out, kids, because this will be important later.) Meanwhile, Slender seems to know that he's not exactly a Casanova (or a Romeo). He wishes he had book of love poetry so he could use it to put the moves on her. Master Page invites everyone inside for a some tasty "venison pasty," but Slender, Sir Hugh, and Shallow hang back to talk about a potential marriage between Anne and Slender. Slender says he's up for it, if his uncle (Shallow) thinks it's a good idea. Besides, even if they're not in love at the beginning, their affection is sure to grow over time, right? Of course, Slender says it kind of backwards, but everyone is pretty sure that's what he means. |
Enter Anne Page. SHALLOW
Here comes fair Mistress Anne.—Would I
were young for your sake, Mistress Anne. ANNE
The dinner is on the table. My father desires 255
your Worships’ company. SHALLOW
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne. SIR HUGH
’Od’s plessèd will, I will not be absence at
the grace. Sir Hugh and Shallow exit. ANNE, to Slender
Will ’t please your Worship to come 260
in, sir? SLENDER
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily. I am very
well. ANNE
The dinner attends you, sir. SLENDER
I am not ahungry, I thank you, forsooth. 265
To Simple. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go
wait upon my cousin Shallow. Simple exits. A
Justice of Peace sometime may be beholding to his
friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet 270
I live like a poor gentleman born. ANNE
I may not go in without your Worship. They will
not sit till you come. SLENDER
I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing. I thank you as much
as though I did. 275 ANNE
I pray you, sir, walk in. SLENDER
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and
dagger with a master of fence—three veneys for a
dish of stewed prunes—and, by my troth, I cannot 280
abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ th’ town? ANNE
I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of. SLENDER
I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel
at it as any man in England. You are afraid if 285
you see the bear loose, are you not? ANNE
Ay, indeed, sir. SLENDER
That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have
seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken
him by the chain. But, I warrant you, the women 290
have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed. But
women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favored
rough things. Enter Page. PAGE
Come, gentle Master Slender, come. We stay for
you. 295 SLENDER
I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. PAGE
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come,
come. SLENDER
Nay, pray you, lead the way. PAGE Come on, sir. 300 SLENDER Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. ANNE
Not I, sir. Pray you, keep on. SLENDER
Truly, I will not go first, truly, la! I will not do
you that wrong. ANNE
I pray you, sir. 305 SLENDER
I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la! They exit. | Anne comes back out to call the men in for dinner. Shallow, Sir Hugh, and Simple head in. Slender and Anne linger outside for a while and have a really, really awkward conversation, during which Anne tries to be polite and Slender tries to impress her by talking about everyone's favorite first date topic: bear-baiting. Brain Snack: Bear baiting is an Elizabethan blood sport that involves chaining a bear to a pole and setting a pack of dogs upon it. Bear-baiting arenas were in the same neighborhoods as Elizabethan playhouses, which basically explains why Shakespeare's plays contain so many shout-outs to the delightful pastime. Anyway, acting like a tough guy, Slender brags that he's seen a bear named "Sackerson" get loose "twenty times." Then he claims that he once grabbed the loose bear by his chain. Yep. You can add this to your list of worst pick-up lines in Western literature. Before Slender can move on to a new topic (shark wrestling? zombie slaying?), Anne's dad comes outside and tells them to come eat. Everyone's waiting for them. (The meat must be getting cold by this time.) |