Enter Mistress Page reading a letter. MISTRESS PAGE
What, have I ’scaped love letters in
the holiday time of my beauty, and am I now a
subject for them? Let me see. She reads. "Ask me no reason why I love you, for though Love
use Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for 5
his counselor. You are not young; no more am I. Go
to, then, there’s sympathy. You are merry; so am I.
Ha, ha, then, there’s more sympathy. You love sack,
and so do I. Would you desire better sympathy? Let
it suffice thee, Mistress Page—at the least, if the love 10
of soldier can suffice—that I love thee. I will not say
pity me—’tis not a soldier-like phrase—but I say love
me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night, 15
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight,
John Falstaff." What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked 20
world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age, to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
picked—with the devil’s name!—out of my conversation,
that he dares in this manner assay me? 25
Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!
What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
mirth. Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill
in the Parliament for the putting down of men.
How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged I 30
will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings. Enter Mistress Ford. MISTRESS FORD
Mistress Page! Trust me, I was going to
your house. MISTRESS PAGE
And, trust me, I was coming to you.
You look very ill. 35 MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that. I have to
show to the contrary. MISTRESS PAGE
Faith, but you do, in my mind. MISTRESS FORD Well, I do, then. Yet I say I could show
you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some 40
counsel. MISTRESS PAGE
What’s the matter, woman? MISTRESS FORD O woman, if it were not for one trifling
respect, I could come to such honor! MISTRESS PAGE
Hang the trifle, woman; take the honor. 45
What is it? Dispense with trifles. What is it? MISTRESS FORD
If I would but go to hell for an eternal
moment or so, I could be knighted. MISTRESS PAGE
What, thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These
knights will hack, and so thou shouldst not alter 50
the article of thy gentry. MISTRESS FORD We burn daylight. Here, read, read. Perceive
how I might be knighted. She gives a paper to Mistress Page, who reads it. I shall think the
worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make 55
difference of men’s liking. And yet he would not
swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such
orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness
that I would have sworn his disposition
would have gone to the truth of his words. But 60
they do no more adhere and keep place together
than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of
“Greensleeves.” What tempest, I trow, threw this
whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore
at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I 65
think the best way were to entertain him with hope
till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his
own grease. Did you ever hear the like? MISTRESS PAGE
Letter for letter, but that the name of
Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this 70
mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin brother of
thy letter. She gives a paper to Mistress Ford, who
reads it. But let thine inherit first, for I protest
mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of
these letters writ with blank space for different 75
names—sure, more—and these are of the second
edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he
cares not what he puts into the press, when he
would put us two. I had rather be a giantess and lie
under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty 80
lascivious turtles ere one chaste man. | Over at the Page's house, Mistress Page reads Falstaff's steamy love letter, which sounds a lot like this: Dear Mistress Page: I love you, baby. We should get together for the following reasons: (1) We're both old, (2) we both like to have a good time, and (3) we both really like to drink. What do you say? XOXO, Your Knight in Shining Armor (We can't prove this, but we're pretty sure Falstaff also sent over a retro mixtape with these songs: "Sexy and I Know It," "Moves Like Jagger," and "Let's Get it On.") Mistress Page is outraged that Falstaff thinks he can get her to cheat on her husband, because what is she, some kind of desperate housewife? And she vows to get revenge. Obviously. Mistress Ford shows up and she's all worked up into a tizzy. Can you guess why? The two besties soon realize that Falstaff has sent them identical letters and merely switched out their names. How rude! |
MISTRESS FORD
Why, this is the very same—the very
hand, the very words. What doth he think of us? MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, I know not. It makes me almost
ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain 85
myself like one that I am not acquainted
withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in
me that I know not myself, he would never have
boarded me in this fury. MISTRESS FORD
“Boarding” call you it? I’ll be sure to 90
keep him above deck. MISTRESS PAGE
So will I. If he come under my hatches,
I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him.
Let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of
comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited 95
delay till he hath pawned his horses to mine
Host of the Garter. MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I will consent to act any villainy
against him that may not sully the chariness of our
honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It 100
would give eternal food to his jealousy. MISTRESS PAGE Why, look where he comes, and my
good man too. He’s as far from jealousy as I am
from giving him cause, and that, I hope, is an
unmeasurable distance. 105 MISTRESS FORD
You are the happier woman. MISTRESS PAGE
Let’s consult together against this greasy
knight. Come hither. They talk aside. | The ladies are so outraged they decide to punk Falstaff by pretending to like him so they can humiliate him in public. Mistress Ford declares that if her jealous husband saw Falstaff's letter, he'd go nuts. (Do you still have that highlighter, kids? That's important.) Mistress Page tells us that, unlike Ford, her husband is never jealous. Speaking of jealous husbands, here's Master Ford—along with Master Page, Pistol, and Nym. The wives duck inside to talk further. |
Enter Ford with Pistol, and Page with Nym. FORD
Well, I hope it be not so. PISTOL
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs. 110
Sir John affects thy wife. FORD
Why, sir, my wife is not young. PISTOL
He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford.
He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend. 115 FORD
Love my wife? PISTOL
With liver burning hot. Prevent,
Or go thou like Sir Acteon, he,
With Ringwood at thy heels.
O, odious is the name! 120 FORD What name, sir? PISTOL
The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by
night.
Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo birds do 125
sing.—
Away, Sir Corporal Nym.—Believe it, Page. He
speaks sense. He exits. FORD, aside
I will be patient. I will find out this. NYM, to Page
And this is true. I like not the humor of 130
lying. He hath wronged me in some humors. I
should have borne the humored letter to her; but I
have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity.
He loves your wife; there’s the short and the long.
My name is Corporal Nym. I speak and I avouch. 135
’Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your
wife. Adieu. I love not the humor of bread and
cheese. Adieu. He exits. PAGE, aside
“The humor of it,” quoth he? Here’s a fellow
frights English out of his wits. 140 FORD, aside
I will seek out Falstaff. PAGE, aside
I never heard such a drawling, affecting
rogue. FORD, aside
If I do find it—well. PAGE, aside
I will not believe such a Cataian, though 145
the priest o’ th’ town commended him for a true
man. FORD, aside
’Twas a good sensible fellow—well. Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward. PAGE, to Mistress Page
How now, Meg? MISTRESS PAGE Whither go you, George? Hark you. 150 They talk aside. MISTRESS FORD, to Ford
How now, sweet Frank? Why
art thou melancholy? FORD
I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you
home. Go. MISTRESS FORD
Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy 155
head now.—Will you go, Mistress Page? MISTRESS PAGE Have with you.—You’ll come to dinner,
George? Aside to Mistress Ford. Look who
comes yonder. Enter Mistress Quickly. She shall be our messenger to this paltry knight. 160 MISTRESS FORD Trust me, I thought on her. She’ll fit it. MISTRESS PAGE, to Mistress Quickly
You are come to
see my daughter Anne? MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth. And, I pray, how does
good Mistress Anne? 165 MISTRESS PAGE
Go in with us and see. We have an
hour’s talk with you. Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and
Mistress Quickly exit. | We find out that Pistol and Nym have just tattled to the husbands about Falstaff. At first, Ford is in shock. He's all, "Are you sure he wants my wife? She's kind of old." (Boy, that Ford sure is a charmer.) Master Page thinks Pistol and Nym are full of baloney and says he doesn't believe a word they say. Meanwhile, Ford has had a chance to think things over and decides he's going to confront Falstaff. We can practically see the steam coming out of his ears. The wives come back and notice that Master Ford seems just a tad bit upset. When Ford's wife asks him what's wrong, he snaps that she should just go home. Now. Mistress Quickly shows up and the "merry wives" decide to use her in their plot to teach Falstaff a lesson. The women go inside the house to work out the details of their genius plan. |
PAGE
How now, Master Ford? FORD You heard what this knave told me, did you not? PAGE
Yes, and you heard what the other told me? 170 FORD Do you think there is truth in them? PAGE Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight
would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded
men, very rogues, now they be out of service. 175 FORD
Were they his men? PAGE
Marry, were they. FORD
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
the Garter? PAGE
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage 180
toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him;
and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let
it lie on my head. FORD
I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath
to turn them together. A man may be too confident. 185
I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot
be thus satisfied. Enter Host. PAGE
Look where my ranting Host of the Garter
comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money
in his purse when he looks so merrily.—How now, 190
mine Host? HOST How now, bullyrook? Thou ’rt a gentleman.—
Cavaleiro Justice, I say! Enter Shallow. SHALLOW
I follow, mine Host, I follow.—Good even
and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will 195
you go with us? We have sport in hand. HOST Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bullyrook. SHALLOW
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between
Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French
doctor. 200 FORD
Good mine Host o’ th’ Garter, a word with you. HOST
What say’st thou, my bullyrook? The Host and Ford talk aside. SHALLOW, to Page Will you go with us to behold it?
My merry Host hath had the measuring of their
weapons and, I think, hath appointed them contrary 205
places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no
jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be. Shallow and Page talk aside. | Meanwhile, Ford is getting hotter and hotter about Falstaff, which is sort of hilarious since he has no reason to get so worked up. Then the Host shows up at Page's house. He's in a good mood so Page thinks he's probably been drinking. Shallow shows up, too, and tells us that Caius and Sir Hugh are going to throw down at Windsor Park. Fight! Fight! The Host is supposed to referee but he's decided to have a little fun with Caius and Sir Hugh instead. He's sent each man to a different part of the park so they'll be waiting for hours for the other guy to show up. Shallow asks Page to come watch the action with him, and they step aside to talk about it. |
HOST, to Ford
Hast thou no suit against my knight,
my guest cavalier? FORD
None, I protest. But I’ll give you a pottle of 210
burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him
my name is Brook—only for a jest. HOST
My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and
regress—said I well?—and thy name shall be
Brook. It is a merry knight. 215To Shallow and Page. Will you go, ameers? SHALLOW
Have with you, mine Host. PAGE I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill
in his rapier. SHALLOW
Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these 220
times you stand on distance—your passes, stoccados,
and I know not what. ’Tis the heart, Master
Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time, with
my long sword I would have made you four tall
fellows skip like rats. 225 HOST
Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag? PAGE
Have with you. I had rather hear them scold
than fight. Page, Host, and Shallow exit. FORD
Though Page be a secure fool and stands so
firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my 230
opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s
house, and what they made there I know not. Well,
I will look further into ’t, and I have a disguise to
sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my
labor. If she be otherwise, ’tis labor well bestowed. 235 He exits. | Meanwhile, Ford and the Host also talk privately. Ford says he's going to wear a disguise and show up at the Garter Inn, where he wants the Host to introduce him to Falstaff as a guy named "Brook." Just for fun. Honest. Left alone on stage, Ford tells us he thinks Page is an idiot for being so trusting, and he won't make that mistake. He'll use his disguise to find out if his wife's a cheater. |