Enter Ajax, armed, Achilles, Patroclus, Agamemnon,
Menelaus, Ulysses, Nestor, etc. and Trumpeter. AGAMEMNON, to Ajax
Here art thou in appointment fresh and fair,
Anticipating time with starting courage.
Give with thy trumpet a loud note to Troy,
Thou dreadful Ajax, that the appallèd air
May pierce the head of the great combatant 5
And hale him hither. AJAX
Thou, trumpet, there’s my purse. He gives money to Trumpeter. Now crack thy lungs and split thy brazen pipe.
Blow, villain, till thy spherèd bias cheek
Outswell the colic of puffed Aquilon. 10
Come, stretch thy chest, and let thy eyes spout blood.
Thou blowest for Hector. Sound trumpet. ULYSSES
No trumpet answers. ACHILLES
’Tis but early days. Enter Cressida and Diomedes. AGAMEMNON
Is not yond Diomed with Calchas’ daughter? 15 ULYSSES
’Tis he. I ken the manner of his gait.
He rises on the toe; that spirit of his
In aspiration lifts him from the earth. AGAMEMNON
Is this the Lady Cressid? DIOMEDES
Even she. 20 AGAMEMNON
Most dearly welcome to the Greeks, sweet lady. He kisses her. NESTOR
Our general doth salute you with a kiss. ULYSSES
Yet is the kindness but particular.
’Twere better she were kissed in general. NESTOR
And very courtly counsel. I’ll begin. 25 He kisses her. So much for Nestor. ACHILLES
I’ll take that winter from your lips, fair lady.
Achilles bids you welcome. He kisses her. MENELAUS
I had good argument for kissing once. PATROCLUS, stepping between Menelaus and Cressida
But that’s no argument for kissing now, 30
For thus popped Paris in his hardiment
And parted thus you and your argument. He kisses her. ULYSSES
O deadly gall and theme of all our scorns,
For which we lose our heads to gild his horns! PATROCLUS
The first was Menelaus’ kiss; this mine. 35
Patroclus kisses you. e kisses her again. MENELAUS
O, this is trim! PATROCLUS
Paris and I kiss evermore for him. MENELAUS
I’ll have my kiss, sir.—Lady, by your leave. CRESSIDA
In kissing, do you render or receive? 40 MENELAUS
Both take and give. CRESSIDA
I’ll make my match to live,
The kiss you take is better than you give.
Therefore no kiss. MENELAUS
I’ll give you boot: I’ll give you three for one. 45 CRESSIDA
You are an odd man. Give even, or give none. MENELAUS
An odd man, lady? Every man is odd. CRESSIDA
No, Paris is not, for you know ’tis true
That you are odd, and he is even with you. MENELAUS
You fillip me o’ th’ head. 50 CRESSIDA
No, I’ll be sworn. ULYSSES
It were no match, your nail against his horn.
May I, sweet lady, beg a kiss of you? CRESSIDA
You may. ULYSSES
I do desire it. 55 CRESSIDA
Why, beg two. ULYSSES
Why, then, for Venus’ sake, give me a kiss
When Helen is a maid again and his. CRESSIDA
I am your debtor; claim it when ’tis due. ULYSSES
Never’s my day, and then a kiss of you. 60 DIOMEDES
Lady, a word. I’ll bring you to your father. Diomedes and Cressida talk aside. NESTOR
A woman of quick sense. ULYSSES
Fie, fie upon her!
There’s language in her eye, her cheek, her lip;
Nay, her foot speaks. Her wanton spirits look out 65
At every joint and motive of her body.
O, these encounterers, so glib of tongue,
That give accosting welcome ere it comes
And wide unclasp the tables of their thoughts
To every tickling reader! Set them down 70
For sluttish spoils of opportunity
And daughters of the game. Diomedes and Cressida exit. | Cut to the Greek camp, which looks like an ancient version of a Las Vegas boxing ring... except it's full of armor and other combat equipment instead of boxing gloves and stuff. Also, the lighting isn't quite as good. Ajax is getting ready to go toe-to-toe with Hector, when Diomedes shows up with Cressida. The Greeks give Cressida a hearty welcome by kissing and flirting with her—first Agamemnon, then Nestor, followed by Achilles, and then Patroclus (twice). Menelaus does one better, talking dirty to Cressida and reminding everyone that he used to make out all the time with his ex-wife, Helen. Keep it classy, Menelaus. When Cressida reaches Ulysses, she tries to flirt with him but Ulysses is mean. He says he'll "beg" Cressida for a kiss the day that Helen becomes "a maid again" and gets back together with Menelaus. (Translation: When hell freezes over.) When she leaves, Ulysses says he thinks Cressida was acting "sluttish" when she arrived at camp and compares her to a prostitute. Again, we have to ask: how much choice did she have, really? And how would she have been treated if she hadn't played along with all of these buffoons begging for kisses? |
Flourish. ALL
The Trojan’s trumpet. Enter all of Troy: Hector, armed, Paris, Aeneas,
Helenus, Troilus, and Attendants. AGAMEMNON
Yonder comes the troop. AENEAS
Hail, all the state of Greece! What shall be done 75
To him that victory commands? Or do you purpose
A victor shall be known? Will you the knights
Shall to the edge of all extremity
Pursue each other, or shall they be divided
By any voice or order of the field? 80
Hector bade ask. AGAMEMNON
Which way would Hector have it? AENEAS
He cares not; he’ll obey conditions. AGAMEMNON
’Tis done like Hector. ACHILLES
But securely done, 85
A little proudly, and great deal misprizing
The knight opposed. AENEAS
If not Achilles, sir,
What is your name? ACHILLES
If not Achilles, nothing. 90 AENEAS
Therefore Achilles. But whate’er, know this:
In the extremity of great and little,
Valor and pride excel themselves in Hector,
The one almost as infinite as all,
The other blank as nothing. Weigh him well, 95
And that which looks like pride is courtesy.
This Ajax is half made of Hector’s blood,
In love whereof half Hector stays at home;
Half heart, half hand, half Hector comes to seek
This blended knight, half Trojan and half Greek. 100 ACHILLES
A maiden battle, then? O, I perceive you. Enter Diomedes. AGAMEMNON
Here is Sir Diomed.—Go, gentle knight;
Stand by our Ajax. As you and Lord Aeneas
Consent upon the order of their fight,
So be it, either to the uttermost 105
Or else a breath. The combatants being kin
Half stints their strife before their strokes begin. Hector and Ajax enter the lists. ULYSSES
They are opposed already. AGAMEMNON
What Trojan is that same that looks so heavy? ULYSSES
The youngest son of Priam, a true knight, 110
Not yet mature, yet matchless firm of word,
Speaking in deeds, and deedless in his tongue,
Not soon provoked, nor being provoked soon calmed,
His heart and hand both open and both free.
For what he has, he gives; what thinks, he shows; 115
Yet gives he not till judgment guide his bounty,
Nor dignifies an impair thought with breath;
Manly as Hector, but more dangerous,
For Hector in his blaze of wrath subscribes
To tender objects, but he in heat of action 120
Is more vindicative than jealous love.
They call him Troilus, and on him erect
A second hope, as fairly built as Hector.
Thus says Aeneas, one that knows the youth
Even to his inches, and with private soul 125
Did in great Ilium thus translate him to me. Alarum. The fight begins. AGAMEMNON They are in action. NESTOR
Now, Ajax, hold thine own! TROILUS
Hector, thou sleep’st. Awake thee! AGAMEMNON
His blows are well disposed.—There, Ajax! 130 Trumpets cease. | A trumpet sounds, signaling the arrival of the Trojans. Aeneas points out that Hector and Ajax are related, so Hector will probably go easy on his nephew. Achilles points out that it's going to be a "maiden battle," meaning, a battle that's going to come to an end before anybody gets killed or maimed too badly. Hey, that's good news, right? While Ajax and Hector are getting ready to rumble, Troilus shows up. Ulysses tells Agamemnon about Troilus's reputation as kid who's an up-and-coming warrior but still kind of a rookie when it comes to warfare. Trumpets sound and Ajax and Hector go at it... for about 2 seconds before the fight is stopped. (We're talking, like, 5 lines of dialogue, tops.) Yep. That's a major letdown all right, Shmooperinos. Shakespeare is all about the anti-climax in this play. |
DIOMEDES
You must no more. AENEAS
Princes, enough, so please you. AJAX
I am not warm yet. Let us fight again. DIOMEDES
As Hector pleases. HECTOR
Why, then, will I no more.— 135
Thou art, great lord, my father’s sister’s son,
A cousin-german to great Priam’s seed.
The obligation of our blood forbids
A gory emulation ’twixt us twain.
Were thy commixtion Greek and Trojan so 140
That thou couldst say “This hand is Grecian all,
And this is Trojan; the sinews of this leg
All Greek, and this all Troy; my mother’s blood
Runs on the dexter cheek, and this sinister
Bounds in my father’s,” by Jove multipotent, 145
Thou shouldst not bear from me a Greekish member
Wherein my sword had not impressure made
Of our rank feud. But the just gods gainsay
That any drop thou borrowd’st from thy mother,
My sacred aunt, should by my mortal sword 150
Be drained. Let me embrace thee, Ajax.
By him that thunders, thou hast lusty arms!
Hector would have them fall upon him thus.
Cousin, all honor to thee! They embrace. AJAX
I thank thee, Hector. 155
Thou art too gentle and too free a man.
I came to kill thee, cousin, and bear hence
A great addition earnèd in thy death. HECTOR
Not Neoptolemus so mirable—
On whose bright crest Fame with her loud’st “Oyez” 160
Cries “This is he”—could promise to himself
A thought of added honor torn from Hector. AENEAS
There is expectance here from both the sides
What further you will do. HECTOR
We’ll answer it; 165
The issue is embracement.—Ajax, farewell. They embrace again. AJAX
If I might in entreaties find success,
As seld I have the chance, I would desire
My famous cousin to our Grecian tents. DIOMEDES
’Tis Agamemnon’s wish; and great Achilles 170
Doth long to see unarmed the valiant Hector. HECTOR
Aeneas, call my brother Troilus to me,
And signify this loving interview
To the expecters of our Trojan part;
Desire them home. 175 Aeneas speaks to Trojans, who exit; he then
returns with Troilus. To Ajax. Give me thy hand, my cousin.
I will go eat with thee and see your knights. Agamemnon and the rest come forward. AJAX
Great Agamemnon comes to meet us here. HECTOR, to Aeneas
The worthiest of them tell me name by name;
But for Achilles, my own searching eyes 180
Shall find him by his large and portly size. AGAMEMNON
Worthy all arms! As welcome as to one
That would be rid of such an enemy—
But that’s no welcome. Understand more clear:
What’s past and what’s to come is strewed with husks 185
And formless ruin of oblivion;
But in this extant moment, faith and troth,
Strained purely from all hollow bias-drawing,
Bids thee, with most divine integrity,
From heart of very heart, great Hector, welcome. 190 HECTOR
I thank thee, most imperious Agamemnon. AGAMEMNON, to Troilus
My well-famed lord of Troy, no less to you. MENELAUS
Let me confirm my princely brother’s greeting:
You brace of warlike brothers, welcome hither. HECTOR, to Aeneas
Who must we answer? 195 AENEAS The noble Menelaus. HECTOR
O, you, my lord? By Mars his gauntlet, thanks!
Mock not that I affect th’ untraded oath;
Your quondam wife swears still by Venus’ glove.
She’s well, but bade me not commend her to you. 200 MENELAUS
Name her not now, sir; she’s a deadly theme. HECTOR
O, pardon! I offend. NESTOR
I have, thou gallant Trojan, seen thee oft,
Laboring for destiny, make cruel way
Through ranks of Greekish youth; and I have seen 205
thee,
As hot as Perseus, spur thy Phrygian steed,
Despising many forfeits and subduments,
When thou hast hung thy advanced sword i’ th’ air,
Not letting it decline on the declined, 210
That I have said to some my standers-by
“Lo, Jupiter is yonder, dealing life!”
And I have seen thee pause and take thy breath
When that a ring of Greeks have hemmed thee in,
Like an Olympian wrestling. This have I seen. 215
But this thy countenance, still locked in steel,
I never saw till now. I knew thy grandsire
And once fought with him; he was a soldier good,
But, by great Mars, the captain of us all,
Never like thee! O, let an old man embrace thee; 220
And, worthy warrior, welcome to our tents. AENEAS, to Hector
’Tis the old Nestor. HECTOR
Let me embrace thee, good old chronicle
That hast so long walked hand in hand with time.
Most reverend Nestor, I am glad to clasp thee. 225 They embrace. NESTOR
I would my arms could match thee in contention
As they contend with thee in courtesy. HECTOR
I would they could. NESTOR
Ha! By this white beard, I’d fight with thee tomorrow.
Well, welcome, welcome. I have seen the time! 230 ULYSSES
I wonder now how yonder city stands
When we have here her base and pillar by us. HECTOR
I know your favor, Lord Ulysses, well.
Ah, sir, there’s many a Greek and Trojan dead
Since first I saw yourself and Diomed 235
In Ilium, on your Greekish embassy. ULYSSES
Sir, I foretold you then what would ensue.
My prophecy is but half his journey yet,
For yonder walls, that pertly front your town,
Yon towers, whose wanton tops do buss the clouds, 240
Must kiss their own feet. HECTOR
I must not believe you.
There they stand yet, and modestly I think
The fall of every Phrygian stone will cost
A drop of Grecian blood. The end crowns all, 245
And that old common arbitrator, Time,
Will one day end it. ULYSSES
So to him we leave it.
Most gentle and most valiant Hector, welcome.
After the General, I beseech you next 250
To feast with me and see me at my tent. | Ajax says he's ready for round two but Hector politely says they better stop before the fight gets all "gory." (Read: before Hector whoops up on Ajax.) Hector suggests they hug it out like family but Ajax admits he came to kill the old-school warrior so he could gain some honor and a little bit of street cred. Oh well. Ajax invites Hector back to the Greek camp, where he's given a hero's welcome. (Quick comparison to Cressida, who's just been treated like a piece of meat.) Hector and Ajax give each other props and agree to a temporary truce since they admire each other so much. All the Greeks fawn over Hector, embracing him, admiring his muscles, inviting him to dinner. It's all very bro-mantic. |
ACHILLES
I shall forestall thee, Lord Ulysses, thou!—
Now, Hector, I have fed mine eyes on thee;
I have with exact view perused thee, Hector,
And quoted joint by joint. 255 HECTOR
Is this Achilles? ACHILLES
I am Achilles. HECTOR
Stand fair, I pray thee. Let me look on thee. ACHILLES
Behold thy fill. HECTOR
Nay, I have done already. 260 ACHILLES
Thou art too brief. I will the second time,
As I would buy thee, view thee limb by limb. HECTOR
O, like a book of sport thou ’lt read me o’er;
But there’s more in me than thou understand’st.
Why dost thou so oppress me with thine eye? 265 ACHILLES
Tell me, you heavens, in which part of his body
Shall I destroy him—whether there, or there, or
there—
That I may give the local wound a name
And make distinct the very breach whereout 270
Hector’s great spirit flew. Answer me, heavens! HECTOR
It would discredit the blest gods, proud man,
To answer such a question. Stand again.
Think’st thou to catch my life so pleasantly
As to prenominate in nice conjecture 275
Where thou wilt hit me dead? ACHILLES
I tell thee, yea. HECTOR
Wert thou an oracle to tell me so,
I’d not believe thee. Henceforth guard thee well,
For I’ll not kill thee there, nor there, nor there, 280
But, by the forge that stithied Mars his helm,
I’ll kill thee everywhere, yea, o’er and o’er.—
You wisest Grecians, pardon me this brag;
His insolence draws folly from my lips.
But I’ll endeavor deeds to match these words, 285
Or may I never— AJAX
Do not chafe thee, cousin.—
And you, Achilles, let these threats alone
Till accident or purpose bring you to ’t.
You may have every day enough of Hector 290
If you have stomach. The general state, I fear,
Can scarce entreat you to be odd with him. HECTOR, to Achilles
I pray you, let us see you in the field.
We have had pelting wars since you refused
The Grecians’ cause. 295 ACHILLES
Dost thou entreat me, Hector?
Tomorrow do I meet thee, fell as death;
Tonight all friends. HECTOR
Thy hand upon that match. AGAMEMNON
First, all you peers of Greece, go to my tent; 300
There in the full convive we. Afterwards,
As Hector’s leisure and your bounties shall
Concur together, severally entreat him.
Beat loud the taborins; let the trumpets blow,
That this great soldier may his welcome know. 305 Flourish. All but Troilus and Ulysses exit. | The Greek who doesn't show Hector any respect is Achilles, but he doesn't show anyone much respect, so—no big surprise there. Hector asks why he's trying to mad-dog him with his "eyes." Before we know it, Achilles points to a bunch of Hector's body parts and is all "Hmm. When I kill you, I wonder if I should stab you here or here or, hey, maybe here." Hector tells Achilles to watch his back on the battlefield because he's not just going to stab him in one place. He's going to "kill" him everywhere, over and over, and over again. Oh snap! Ajax tries to make peace, but Hector's not finished. He reminds everyone that Achilles has been shacked up in his tent while everyone else gets their battle on. Achilles is all "Game on, Hector! I'm going to kill you...tomorrow." For a bunch of warmongers, these guys really like to take their time going into battle. In the meantime, Agamemnon invites everyone to his tent for a huge feast. |
TROILUS
My Lord Ulysses, tell me, I beseech you,
In what place of the field doth Calchas keep? ULYSSES
At Menelaus’ tent, most princely Troilus.
There Diomed doth feast with him tonight,
Who neither looks upon the heaven nor Earth, 310
But gives all gaze and bent of amorous view
On the fair Cressid. TROILUS
Shall I, sweet lord, be bound to you so much,
After we part from Agamemnon’s tent,
To bring me thither? 315 ULYSSES
You shall command me, sir.
As gentle tell me, of what honor was
This Cressida in Troy? Had she no lover there
That wails her absence? TROILUS
O sir, to such as boasting show their scars 320
A mock is due. Will you walk on, my lord?
She was beloved, she loved; she is, and doth;
But still sweet love is food for Fortune’s tooth. They exit. | Troilus and Ulysses are left alone on stage. Troilus wants to know where he can find Cressida's dad, Calchas. Ulyssess says he's with Diomedes and, by the way, Diomedes totally wants to hook up with Cressida. Troilus wants to go to Calchas' tent after dinner, which is fine by Ulysses, but first can Troilus tell him if Cressida had a bad rep in Troy and whether or not she had a lover? Um, about that. Troilus says, yeah, she did, though he stops short of telling Ulysses it was him. |